A Call to Moms

It’s officially back to school season, which for so many means shopping for new clothes and school supplies, new adventures and maybe even a new start. I recently made it through my fourth back to school season and as a mom, it means something a little different. It’s a time when emotions collide. We’re exhausted from a summer full of coordinating camps and playdates to make sure our kids are entertained. We’ve successfully enforced the school reading and math homework. And yes, I mean the word ‘enforced’ here. Honestly, I don’t remember having work over the summer in the third grade, but I guess times they are a changin’. We’ve made sure all the supply lists are met, new clothes (or uniforms in my case) are ready and washed and we’ve taken them to every back-to-school event possible so that they’ve met the teacher, new friends, new classrooms…well you get the idea.

Back to Reality

All during this time, where we’re making sure everyone is physically ready to go back, moms (and probably dads) are feeling and dealing with a whole other range of emotions. There’s excitement, exhaustion, relief, sadness, happiness, and on and on and on.

And it was at this moment with all the emotions that I had to take a pause. I made it through the stress and frenzy of last-minute uniform shopping and adjusting to the new schedule (goodbye extra hour of sleep) only to head smack into some grade-A mom guilt.

 

Under Pressure

As a kid, I always loved back to school. I genuinely enjoyed learning, loved getting new school supplies and was proud to be growing one year older. My son, however, is the complete opposite. I was stressing him out with being over-excited about school starting to the point where he told me he wished people (i.e. me) didn’t make such a big deal about the first day of school. So I tempered my excitement from then on out and very coolly drove him to school that first day and dropped him off.

My next run-in with mom guilt hit me even harder. I had managed to grab a rushed first day of school pic before running out the door. I uploaded it frantically to Facebook on the way to work with a clever caption and shared it with colleagues, friends and family.  And then it happened. I read so many moms (and some dads) talk about how hard it was to send them off to school; how emotional they got at letting them go and seeing them enter another grade. From kindergarten up to high school, parents were lamenting this right of passage. Notes ranging from the bittersweet to the downright depressed filled my inbox. Which made me stop and think. Wait, should I be feeling this way too?

In my four first-day-of-school moments, I have never once felt sad or even melancholy. I started to ask myself why? Why shouldn’t I feel sad that he’s getting older and isn’t my little baby anymore? I started to question my own mom skills and second-guessing my dedication. What kind of mom was I? What was wrong with me that I wasn’t feeling like everyone else?

 

Nothing New Here

I mentioned mom guilt earlier and the struggle is real. And while this term is relatively new, the phenomenon is not. We’ve been doing this to ourselves and other moms for centuries. What was once the mom guilt of the working mom has transformed into the superior judgment against the stay-at-home mom. Even working moms judge those who use daycare vs. those who have nannies or family and well, you see what I mean. It literally never stops. But seriously, why are we doing this to ourselves?

 

Every Kind of Mom

I’d like to say that at that very moment, I said enough is enough. But that’s not the reality of what happened. I felt less-than for longer than I’d like to admit. It took a while to really think about it and let it all set in. But eventually it did, and I had my lightbulb moment. It’s ridiculous that I would question my mom-ness. I’m a great mom, not perfect of course, but not the worst mom in the world like I had thought.

This is when I realized it was important to share my story. There are so many different kinds of moms out there. We can’t be them all, we shouldn’t be them all. We have to be the best mom we can be in our own unique way. I have great respect for those stay-at-home moms who are so devoted to their children. I envy those part-time moms who have found the golden unicorn of jobs that let them make their own hours. I admire the single moms and the moms who work more than one job and somehow make it look easy. I love seeing the dad-moms – a sure sign that society is finally catching up. I support the traveling moms who can’t always be there in person but find a way (hello frozen breast milk and Facetime) to make the most of their time. And I’m the hard-working, corporate mom who fights the good fight for work-life balance. All these moms are different, and they are all great.

 

Super Powers

We really are all doing a great job. Being a mom isn’t easy, and it isn’t for the weak. It’s been cathartic for me to share my recent insecurity and doubt. It’s OK that I don’t feel sad during this time. I’m excited (possibly too much) to see my son enter the third grade. I’m OK saying goodbye to a very lazy summer full of video games and YouTube. I can’t wait to see what else he will learn and watch him grow into this little person full of opinions and ideas. I just love seeing who he is going to be. And while I do sometimes miss the little baby with his coos and giggles, I am just in awe of the amazing, kind and funny young man he is becoming.

So to all my other moms out there, all I’m saying is this: stop comparing yourself to the mom next to you at work, in carpool or on Facebook. You might be doing it differently and going your own way, and that’s exactly what you should do. This is the time we should enjoy motherhood and celebrate each other because being a mom means having superpowers. And remember to tell yourself that you’re doing a great job, whatever type of mom you are!

Love,

Sara